


This is the road to ruin.

by orphan_account



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 5SOS - Freeform, Blowjobs, Fluff, Grinding, Kissing, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Masturbation, a lot of pining, lashton blowjob, lashton fanfiction, lashton fic, lashton smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-05
Updated: 2014-04-24
Packaged: 2018-01-14 14:32:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1270012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is seventeen. Of course he's going to want to experiment with boys. But Ashton didn't expect Luke to want to experiment with him. He also didn't expect to fall completely head over heels for the boy from the on. But shit happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Truly fucked.

If you were to ask any other punk-as-heck band member what they were doing on a sunday evening, watching Mamma Mia! in their pyjamas would not be an answer.  
Maybe Ashton wasn't so punk after all then.

"Man I can't believe Harry's gay." Luke cried from the other side of the couch.

"What?" Ashton snapped out of his train of thought. "You know he is. He and Louis just-"

"No not our Harry, Harry Bright. In the movie." Luke scowled. "Are you even watching?"

"No not really. I've seen this four times."

Ashton wondered why it was so rainy in London. They were pretty close to Spain, and yet you could still drown a duck in the weather. Also, He wanted to try one of the pies with the meat in them. Calum and Michael had gone out to town this morning, and told him they were getting them. Ashton had been too drowsy to request one too, which he cursed himself for now because-

"Ash have you ever wondered what it's like to kiss a boy?"

That snapped him out of it for good.

"What...why? Do you want to?" Ashton answered cautiously.

Luke was the youngest, only seventeen. Of course he was bound to start asking questions like this. Ashton really should have seen this coming.

Luke shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, how am I supposed to know if I like guys if I don't experiment, you know?"

Ashton nodded and gulped. "Well, if you want-"

"Ash will you kiss me?" Luke cut him off, not even waiting for Ashton to finish. Ashton wasn't sure he could, even if he wanted to.

"Em well-I mean yeah if you.. you're okay with that I will." He mumbled out.

He wasn't nervous, just taken by surprise.

And also a little nervous. Luke's entire sexuality now rested in his hands.  
Ashton really should have said no, and offered to find someone else to do it, like a good friend, but instead, he kneeled up, closer to Luke on the couch, cupped his cheeks with both hands, and pressed his lips to Luke's without a seconds more hesitation.

He felt himself physically melt, starting with his lips. Luke's arms trailed to his back, tracing circles on his spine, and Ashton wanted to squeal like a little girl at a One Direction concert.

Their lips moved together, frequently breaking apart just so the two could breathe hot breaths into each others open mouths. Ashton didn't know when he had moved his hands up to Luke's hair, but he found them there, grasping at the blonde locks. He let his tongue swipe across Luke's lips, the younger boy almost immediately opening his mouth wider to give Ashton access, letting out a small moan in the process. Luke was being so needy and desperate and it was going straight to Ashton's lower half.

"Mm Ash-" Luke groaned quietly, cut off by Ashton's lips on his again. He let out an embarrassing whimper, because Luke said his name in such a filthy way and Ashton felt like he was going to pass out.  
 _'No no no be cool don't get over excited'_ , his insides were screaming, his outsides not listening.  
He felt Luke's hand edging it's way down to his boxer line, playing with his waist band and Ashton jerked, accidentally tugging on Luke's hair too hard.  
They broke apart almost immediately.

"Ow Ashton what the fuck." Luke's face was bright red and his hair was worse than when he had woken up this morning.

"Sorry, I lost control a bit." Ashton felt betrayed by his body when he realised that his voice sounded hoarse and unsteady.

"It's okay I guess." Luke scratched the back of his neck, which was already raw from Ashton's grasping hands.

The movie was over now, and they sat in silence for several seconds.

"So.." Ashton began, "Whadaya think?"

He willed Luke to give a positive response, because he was desperately hard in his blue pyjama pants and the suspense was literally killing him.

"It was... alright." Luke finally decided. "I think I'm straight though."

Ashton felt his heart sink, but mustered a smile and patted his best friend on the back.

"Good for you, pal. It's better to work these things out sooner rather than later."

"Thanks mate." Luke gave a sincere smile, lips still red and swollen. "Seriously, I bet Cal or Mikey wouldn't have made out with me just so I could figure things out."

"No problem. That's what friends are for." Ashton said weakly, getting up from the couch, careful not to give away that he was hard. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

When he reached the bathroom, he immediately locked the door and stripped.  
He turned on the water, which thankfully, was loud enough to mask the moans that he made as he finally began to jerk off under the hot spray.  
After several minutes of keening and whining Luke's name under his breath, he came with a shudder and louder groan than intended.  
And that, was the moment that Ashton Irwin knew that he was well and truly fucked.


	2. This is not a crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically just a filler, which are the worst to write so I'm sorry if you find this terrible!:) x

Ashton had managed to repress the memory of the entire thing until he flopped down on his bed the next day. He couldn't make up his mind on how he felt about the whole thing. He didn't fancy Luke. They were best friends. But Ashton could admit that kissing him was nice.

Very nice. And if Luke were to do it again, he would happily oblige. But he didn't fancy Luke.  
The boys were all in the living room, and Ashton had gone to take a nap, but the thoughts running through is head at 100 miles per hour were the cause of some slight insomnia.

  
 _'What does he mean "straight"?_  
 _'He made out with me. For a lot of minutes. We used tongue.'_  
'He moaned. He fucking moaned my name.'  
'How can he have decided that he's straight.'

Ashton thought back to what had happened the day before.  
Luke had said it was "alright." What did alright mean? Was Ashton not good enough for him, had he really turned a guy straight?  
He supposed there was a chance that Luke was just confused.  
Ashton had assumed he was straight up until yesterday, and he was pretty sure now, that he never wanted to go back to girls again.

He sighed and hopped up, deciding that there was no point in dwelling on it. Besides, he hadn't made actual eye contact with Luke since he had accidentally gotten himself off in the shower while thinking about him.  
Or something along those lines.  
He trudged into the living room, where the other three boys were all spread across both couches, playing fifa.

"Ash! There you are mate. Good sleep?" Michael called from across the room, pausing the game, causing Calum and Luke to groan.

Ashton winced. _Ash_. That was what Luke had called him the night before. He had always called him Ash, but now it was different.

"Ashton? You're lookin' a little red, there. You alright?" Calum piped up.

Ashton cleared his throat louder than intended.

"What? Yeah I'm fine, let's play Fifa."

The three stared at him oddly.

"But you don't like Fifa." Michael broke the silence. Luke didn't say a word.

Ashton barked out a nervous laugh.

"Right, I don't wanna play Fifa. I'm gonna go get a drink, does anyone want anything?"

"I'll have a coke." Calum chimed in, earning an elbow in the ribs from Michael.

 

As Ashton scurried into the living room out of sight from the others, he rested his head in his hands on the counter.  
 _'Idiot idiot idiot. They're going to know something's wrong. Just stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about the meaningless make out session you had with your best friend. Luke seems to have already.'_  
When he realised this, his stomach dropped. ' _Stupid, just forget about it_ ', he willed himself.

"Ashton?"

He silently cursed to himself as he swivelled around to meet the dirty blonde hair and the (now slightly worried looking) baby blue eyes he knew so well.

"Yes Luke? Did you want a drink?" He plastered a nonchalant smile onto his face.

"No, I was, uh, hoping to talk to you." Luke scratched the back of his neck, sheepishly. Ashton wondered if there were any bruises from where he had gripped the boy there. From the way Luke winced after, he guessed there was. Brilliant.

"Oh yeah? What about?" He tried to make himself seem busy by opening the fridge to retrieve the two cans of coke.

"Are you okay?"

Ashton closed the fridge door, playing dumb.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" He turned to the taller boy, eyebrows raised.

"If this is about yesterday then-"

"Yesterday?" Ashton broke in, a smirk playing on his lips. Along with being clumsy and embarrassing himself 24/7, teasing was one of his specialties. It didn't happen often, but he was good. "Oh- you mean when we made out?"

"Be quiet!" The younger boy pleaded, panic in his eyes.

"If the others hear I'll never hear the end of it. And you can't blame me for being curious. It didn't mean anything anyway. I definitely didn't feel anything."

Ashton felt his blood run cold. So that's what he meant by "straight."

"I know, I'm just kidding. Run along now, Lukey."

"Thanks mate. I'll have a coke too." Luke beamed as he left the kitchen.

Ashton was fine. He was fine about this. He respected Luke and his choices.

"I do not fancy Luke." He muttered to himself as he headed to join the others.


	3. The game of denial.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys!:) I just wanted to say thank you for all your nice comments and kudos, it's really nice to know that people are actually interested in what I write!  
> If you ever wanna talk to me on tumblr, my url is gay5sos so please just drop me a message any time! Anyway here's chapter 3, enjoy!:)

On the contrary to the past few rainy days in London, the weather today was relatively hot out. British weather was confusing.  
Ashton was rudely awoken from his dream (it was about 5sos, All Time Low and Blink 182 collaborating to for one giant super punk band. They called themselves "All Time Summer 182") by Calum whipping him with a towel.

"Wake up sunshine, we're going swimming."

He cackled as Ashton groaned, and left with a swagger in his step.

The band had been waiting for nearly their entire vacation to use the pool in the back yard. In Ashton's opinion, it looked slightly grimy and he would have to do a spot check before anyone got in.

It took several attempts for him to hoist himself out of bed.  
It was one of the smallest bedrooms in their house, but it was cosy. The room had simple cream walls, which Ashton had decorated with posters of bands. There was a queen sized bed, and two bed side tables accompanying it. He didn't have a bathroom, like Calum and Michael did in the room that they shared, or a balcony like Luke had in his tiny single-bed room, (They figured that he was the least to need a double bed.) but he liked it.

When Ashton arrived out onto the deck in his blue swim trunks (hey, it was his colour!) and a towel slung over his left shoulder, Michael and Calum were already swimming around in the water, clutching two bottles of beer. No spot check then.

"Where's Luke, then?" Ashton asked casually, trying to keep a blank face.

"We were gonna ask you the same." Michael answered quietly, a relaxed look on his face.

Ashton threw his towel on a deck chair and sat down on it.

"I hope neither of you have any cuts, or you're both gonna get gangrene." He warned, a look of disgust taking over his face as he eyed up the relatively old swimming pool.

"Nerd." Michael chuckled. "Don't worry, me and Cal here cleaned it out this morning."

Calum might actually have been asleep.

"You won't be calling me a nerd when your leg has to be amputated." Ashton remarked, pulling his sunglasses down onto his face.

He'll be damned if he goes blind from lack of UV protection.

"Hi guys." Luke's voice chirped from the porch.

Ashton felt his stomach twist and his heart threaten to explode. Okay so maybe he had underestimated his feeling towards the boy.  
When Ashton swivelled around, Luke was wearing a similar get up, substituting blue shorts with red ones. He was also wearing a plain white t-shirt.  
The subject of the shirt was quite a dodgy one. To put it quite simply, Luke had some scars that he was self-conscious about. He never really went without a shirt, and all of the boys knew this, coming to terms with it a long time ago.

Ashton lay on the deck chair beside the pool while the other three splashed about, yelling at each other, and then splashing again.  
Ashton chuckled to himself as he flicked through the magazine he was reading. They were like little kid brothers, honestly. Annoying little kid brothers.

"Hey Ash you look like such a diva right now!" Calum called from the water.

Ashton sat up, resting his magazine on the deck chair and tilting his sun glasses down to his nose.

"Excuse me, peasant?" He said in a mock-posh voice, sending the boys into fits of laughter.

"I'm getting a coke. Does anyone want anything?" Luke asked, hopping out of the water.

"No thanks, mate." Michael and Calum replied, their giggles dying down, holding up their beers in response.

"I will-" Ashton trailed off as he watched Luke get out of the water. It seemed to almost happen in slow motion.  
The younger boy used his arms to hoist himself out, biceps flexing. His hand went up to ruffle his soaking wet hair, water droplets spraying everywhere.

Ashton's eyes trailed down, and the white t-shirt had been completely soaked through, clinging to Luke's torso, outlining everything in a way that made Ashton feel light headed.  
Luke cleared his throat, and Ashton snapped his mouth shut, realising that it had been wide open.

"I said, what do you want. To drink." Luke clarified.

It was Ashton's turn to clear his throat now. "Em, just a sprite please."  
Luke turned to walk to the house, leaving a trail of water dripping behind him. Ashton craned his neck, watching him leave.  
Christ, the things he would let that boy do to him were unholy.

"Jesus fuck." He muttered to himself.

And of course he had muttered it too loudly. He realised that Michael and Calum were still with him, and they were still very much within earshot.  
Ashton could feel his face heat up when the two others broke into loud laughter.

"Fuck, you alright Ash? You're lookin' a little red." Michael asked, between cackles.

"At least try and be a bit more subtle if you're checking him out!" Calum cried, clinging to the edge of the pool for physical support.

"I was _not_ checking him out." Ashton retorted huffily. "He just happened to be in my line of vision at the time. It's not fucking funny."

Calum and Michael found it very fucking funny.  
And it looked to Ashton as though the game of denial had just started.


	4. Cum-stained jeans and a heavy heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad I finished writing this chapter because took a reeaally long time to get all the specific wording right, and to be honest, I couldn't find the motivation to write, but here's the next chapter. I hope it lives up to your expectations!:) x

Just as Ashton thought, the weather in the UK was fucked up. That night, even though it had been sunny all day, there was torrential rain.

"I don't understand." Calum sighed as the four chose a movie to watch in the living room. "No one even mentioned it on twitter. Apparently it's normal here."

"I like the rain. Not being in it, but I like looking out at it. It seems kind of poetic." Luke said absentmindedly.

There was a pause, and Calum and Michael burst into laughter.

"That might have been the lamest thing you've said yet." Michael crowed.

Luke pouted, and Ashton swooned. On the inside. Maybe a little on the outside.  
Due to the fact that the two couches were tiny, they were forced to separate into pairs. As soon as they entered, Michael and Calum rushed to sit on the couch closest to the door, Calum giving Ashton a small wink on the way.

Ashton wanted to believe that they had sat there because it was the seat closest to the kitchen, but in reality, he knew what the mischievous pair were trying to do, and he felt his face redden.  
So he was forced to sit with Luke. On a tiny couch. In the corner of the room.  
For the duration of a two hour movie. Battling to keep his hands to himself.  
In retrospect, it actually wasn't as bad and awkward as he expected it to be. They chatted for the most part.

"Okay what were we called again?"

" All Time Summer -182." Ashton grinned.

"Jesus christ." Luke snorted. "At least it's not as bad as the names we came up with for our band in school."

"Oh my god no, I still have repressed memories from our fetus 5sos days."

"Ew, you make it sound so gross." Luke screwed his face up in disgust. "Fetus. But that's an unborn child."

"Isn't that how we looked when we were fifteen." Ashton said, earning a burst of laughter from Luke. Luke's laughter was like a chorus of angels singing to Ashton, but he was forced to cut it short.

"Sh sh sh, do you hear that?" He stage-whispered.

"Is that... snoring?" Luke craned his neck to see the other couch, and Ashton did the same. Sure enough, the two other band members were sound asleep, snoring like 40 year old men. The two were basically spooning on the couch, snuggled tightly together due to lack of space on the sofa.

"Christ, I have to tweet this." Luke grinned to himself, hopping up, and Ashton took this opportunity to stretch his legs across the entire couch.

He dreamily watched Luke take the photo (with flash off, so as not to wake the sleeping pair) and then tap on his phone screen for several minutes, before turning to the couch.  
Luke frowned as he searched for an available space to sit on the, now completely occupied, couch, before giving up and flopping down on top of Ashton.

"Owgettoff-" Ashton's voice was muffled by Luke rolling over on top of him. "Seriously I cant breathe you're too giant."

"It's not my fault youre tiny." Luke chuckled.

"I'm only a few inches shorter than you, asshole." Ashton scowled.

He was manly, not tiny.  
Luke sighed. "Fine, you can sit on me then."

And without missing a beat, he flipped the two of them over, so that Ashton was sitting on top of Luke, facing the tv.  
Luke placed his two large hands so that they were comfortably sitting on Ashton's hopelessly large hips. (He prayed every night to have a manlier body, but to no avail.)  
He tried his best not to think about riding Luke in this position, but shit happens.  
They continued watching the movie like that, Michael and Calum still snoring on the other couch, until the sex scene began to play.

It wasn't even as though it didn't show anything too graphic. Oh no, that would have been too fair on Ashton.  
It was very not-PG, equipped with nudity and moaning and Ashton wondered who had even suggested this movie.  
Neither of the boys said a word, and Ashton shifted uncomfortably on Luke's lap.  
He felt the boy tense up behind him, and then freeze.  
Ashton curiously, made the same movement again, grinding down slightly this time, and Luke's breath hitched, grip tightening on Ashton's hips.

He wanted to cry when he felt something hard pressing against his left thigh.  
Ashton didn't know what came over him in that moment, but it wasn't himself.  
He began to slowly grind his ass down onto Luke's hard-on, giving the boy some friction. He knew that it was the worst thing he could possibly do while trying to not fancy Luke.  
But Luke wasn't protesting, not even a little bit.

As Ashton slowly began to pick up the pace, rotating his hips back and forth, so that he was basically riding Luke with clothes on, (oh how he wished they had no clothes on.) Luke was making little noises, little moans and grunts. The weren't loud, which was probably for the better considering there were still two other people in the room.  
Luke, the little shit, fucking whined when Ashton stopped his movements and stood up.

"Ash." his voice was higher than usual, and he looked slightly disorientating.

"What?" Ashton said, voice laced with smugness.

"Please." Luke begged, his eyes wide and pupils blown. He paused. "Don't stop."

And Ashton was completely done.  
He hopped back on to Luke's lap, facing him this time. He draped his arm around his shoulders.  
Leaning forward, he began to grind down, harder and harder, gaining speed and rotating his hips in slow circles.  
Ashton pressed his forehead to Luke's, mouths so close to each other, but never touching to kiss.  
Ashton felt as if his insides were on shut-down. He couldn't think clearly, his coherent thoughts lost in the blur of _LukeLukeLukeLuke_.

Of course he was undeniably hard in his jeans, but he would deal with that later, because so was Luke, and the only thing that was important to Ashton now was to make the boy come.  
He felt Luke's hands roam up his back, and dig his nails into Ashton's skin when he pressed down especially hard.

"God." The younger boy moaned, causing Ashton to thrust into Luke's crotch, without warning.

" _Christ Ashton!_ " Luke bit into Ashton's shoulder muffling his cries, making Ashton wince. He glanced over at the two on the other side of the room, and sure enough, they were both still snoring loudly.

"You have to be quiet, baby. Can you do that?" He said, leaning in close to Luke's ear, earning a strained "okay" and another quieter moan.

Ashton's insides were on fire, and he had no idea what was happening, but he couldn't stop, even though he could already predict the outcome.  
He threw his head back and arched his back, just so he could breathe, sweat pooling on his forehead from all the working up and down.  
He noticed the other boy's breathing begin to grow rapid.

"AshAsh ohmygod I ca-" Luke couldn't even finish whining his words, before he clenched his eyes shut, and dug his nails into Ashton's back as much as physically possible, Ashton riding him out through his orgasm.  
He felt a wet patch begin to soak through both of their jeans, and he rolled from on top of Luke, to beside him on the couch.

"Fucking hell." He muttered, the mental image of Luke's face when he came engraved into his mind on a loop. That would be saved for the wank bank.

They sat silently, panting, watching the movie, which was nearly coming to an end.  
When the movie did finish, Luke got up, without a word, and walked out of the room, presumably to his bedroom, leaving Ashton alone with cum-stained jeans and a heavy heart.  
He didn't hear from or speak to Luke for the rest of the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story: I had written the smut for this as a drabble a while ago, and I just found it in my notes the other day. I realised that it actually fitted well with the story (but of course I had to write around it) so I used it.  
> I mean if I hadn't had found it I probably wouldn't have updated for another week lol. I'll write an update as soon as possible though! x


	5. Metaphorical multi-coloured confetti.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to get up. I've been in a really bum mood all day because things happened and I just didn't want to write, but then I knew I couldn't sleep until I did. Anyway, MAJOR filler alert! I hope you guys don't hate this too much! I have sooo much more planned for the storyline! >:)

The next couple of days or so was absolutely dreadful for Ashton. Okay sure, in most ways it was fine. They went into town, (Ashton finally got to try a meat pie; it was heavenly) they met a whole bunch of fans and took pictures with them, they went shopping and practised their music. (Something they hadn't done for nearly the whole summer.) Yet somehow, it all seemed kind of fake.  
Because Luke had barely spoken to him since the couch incident

After what had happened, Ashton rushed to his bedroom before the others woke up, to relieve his aching hard-on of the confining skinny jeans. He was so close already, that just a few stokes and he was gone, keeping his moans quiet as he knew that Luke was just down the hall.  
Once he was finished cleaning himself in the shower, and in his pyjamas, he could finally think clearly about what had happened.

Ashton came to the conclusion that Luke was mad about what had happened.(Because he didn't like Ashton like that? Except clearly not.)  
All he had to do was apologise for accidentally grinding on Luke until he came.  
Or something along those lines.  
He crept out of his room and down the hall, almost tiptoeing, and knocked on Luke's bedroom door.  
There was no answer.

He knocked again, slightly louder. "Luke? Can I talk to you, please?"  
When there was no answer again, he pushed the door open, realising that it was already ajar. The room was completely dark, apart from the light that was now creeping in from the open doorway.

Ashton squinted in the darkness, it dawning on him that the room was empty. He noticed the clothes that Luke had been wearing before strewn across the floor.  
He listened for noise in the house, and eventually came to the conclusion that Luke had changed and gone out while Ashton was in the shower.

He made a little "hmph" noise and trudged back to the living room where Michael and Calum were slowly starting to wake up.  
"Ash." Michael said groggily as Ashton walked in. "I can't move, Calum's on top of me."

The next morning, Ashton was up pretty early. It was dull and cold out, and he was in a terrible mood. He had fallen asleep pretty fast after Michael and Calum woke up.

The first thing he did when he got up was check Luke's room, and the boy still wasn't home. An uneasy feeling began to churn in Ashton's stomach.

What if something terrible had happened to Luke when he was out last night? What if he had been kidnapped, or mobbed by killer fans, or hit by a car?  
He sat at the kitchen table with his long-finished bowl of cereal in front of him for quite a long time, occasionally checking his phone for any texts or missed calls.

He scrolled through twitter, stopping to read Luke's last tweet.

 _'Look at these two babes :P_ ' followed by the picture of Calum and Michael sleeping from the night before. People were going crazy over 'Malum', and Ashton favourited the tweet.

At around 1pm, Ashton heard the sound of keys jiggling in the front door lock, and he rushed to open it before it opened itself. He swung the door open to reveal a slightly grumpy, very tired looking Luke.  
Ashton took in his appearance. His clothes were crumpled, as though they had spent the night in a ball on the floor. There were bags under his eyes, and his breathe reeked of something Ashton knew was not orange juice.

"Luke where have you been? I was worried sick!" He was almost ashamed of how much like an over-protective mother he sounded.

Luke pushed past him and headed towards the hall.

"Hey wait!" Ashton called to him, running to the frame of the door before Luke could reach it.

"What do you want?" Luke muttered, failing to make eye contact.

"I want to know where you went." Ashton demanded. Sure, he sounded like a douche, but he was a douche who cared.

"Just let me go." Luke growled as he pushed Ashton aside and stormed off to his room.

Ashton stood there for a few moments, dazed, unable to comprehend the state that Luke was in.  
Luke, the youngest member, the sweetheart of the band. The tall, clumsy, doe-eyed boy, had seemed so aggressive. Luke, who wouldn't hurt a fly, even if it had stabbed him first, with a tiny fly-dagger.  
It was heart-breaking, if he was honest.

He decided to pay a quick visit to the realm that was Calum and Michael's room.  
He did not venture in there often. There were posters of models in bikinis on the walls. Enough said on the matter.  
He opened the door without knocking, and strode in.  
The dark haired boy was lying face down in bed still asleep. He couldn't see Michael, but he could here his loud snores coming from the top bunk. Only god knew how those boys slept so much.  
Ashton yanked the curtains open, startling Calum out of his slumber. Michael continued to snore.

"What the fuck?" Calum mumbled, attempting to keep his eyes open long enough to see the culprit.

"Did Luke say anything to you about where he was going last night?" Ashton said, ignoring the glares from his half-asleep best friend.

"What time is it?" Calum grumbled and plucked his phone from the bed side table. He squinted in the brightness.

"Theres some texts from him from last night." He sat up in bed. "He just said he was going out. Why don't you just ask him yourself?"

Ashton flopped down on the bed himself and groaned.

"He's not talking to me."

"Why not?" Calum said, eyebrows raised.

Ashton gave him a sheepish look. "Something happened, that was my fault, and it might have ruined our friendship. And now I think he might be mad at me."

Calum sighed and patted Ashton on the shoulder.

"Dude, I have no clue what's going on between you two, and if I'm honest, I'm not sure if I wanna know. But seriously. Luke is your best friend. Whatever it is, it'll pass. Just give it time."

Ashton had already given it time, and he still wanted to explode into multi-coloured confetti. But still, he nodded graciously.

"Can we just keep this between you and me, Cal?"

"Of course, drummer-guy. Now get the fuck out of my room so I can go back to sleep!"


	6. Just calm yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Trigger Warning: panic attacks]  
> Okay so, this is a very very short chapter, but like I said, something happened, and this is the only chance I've had to write all week! (I am very tired.) But at least I updated, right? Right?!  
> All will be explained in the next chapter, anyway!:) x

It had been a full week, and Ashton and Luke were yet to have a full conversation. They had exchanged polite acknowledgements, as if they were strangers, acquaintances at best.  
It was killing Ashton inside, because he couldn't sort things out with Luke without actually talking to Luke, and not talking to him was even worse because Ashton thought that he might even be in love with the boy.

Or something like that.  
But christ, could he hold a grudge.  
Michael had long noticed that something was off between them, and Calum already knew, pulling Ashton aside every time he realised that Ashton had fucked up and not apologised to Luke yet.  
It was effecting Ashton terribly. He wasn't sleeping properly, a different worry always playing on his mind at every moment.  
He had no appetite, and everyday he sported an even larger set of bags under his eyes.

At band practise one day, due to lack of communication between the band, the timing had gone off beat and someone started playing out of sync to the rest of the music.

"Oh my god, can you lot just cop on?" Luke turned to glare at Ashton, who was staring in horror at him. "I told you, timing is 3/4, not 4/4."

"Sorry." Ashton said sheepishly. "No one told me the time signature."

"Yeah well," Luke turned back around and said loudly and clearly, "you could at least try not to fuck up every single time."

There was not a sound in the room, except for the clatter of Ashton's drumsticks hitting the floor, as he got up and left the room quietly.  
Being calm was the key. He was afraid that if he made a commotion, he would have a breakdown in front of everyone.  
And he wanted to do that alone.  
When Ashton reached his room, he locked the door behind him and shakily slid down to the ground.  
He was no stranger to the world of panic attacks. But when his life got better, he started feeling less and less like his world was crashing down around him.

Yet here he was, struggling to maintain his breathing, hands independently grabbing tufts of hair and pulling as hard as they could.  
He couldn't control the tears silently streaming down his face. He couldn't control his thoughts as they whizzed around in his brain so fast that he felt dizzy from just thinking.  
Luke thought he was a fuck-up.

Maybe Ashton was a fuck-up. After all, he couldn't even get a simple 3/4 beat right.  
Anyone could have done it, why had he been so stupid?  
They might as well just replace him. Oh god, what if they did replace him?

Luke was the favourite of the band, no one ever even noticed Ashton, he was just the drummer. Of course they could replace him, and nobody would even notice!  
Why hadn't he just played in 3/4?  
He didn't know how long he had been there for now. It could have been from ten minutes to half an hour, curled up in a ball behind his door, shaking and silently sobbing.  
Luke hated him. Calum was pissed at him. Michael didn't, but Ashton was certain that he would be soon enough. Everyone always gave up on him eventually.

A gentle knock vibrated through the door that Ashton was resting his head on.  
He had stopped crying now, and he had managed to take control of his breathing again.  
He stood up slowly and checked his appearance in the mirror across the room. He wanted to sink back onto the ground again when he saw his reflection.  
His eyes, not only had huge dark circles under them, but were red and puffy, and it was quite evident that he had been crying. His skin was blotchy and red, and his hair was sticking up in all sorts of places from nearly pulling it out of his scalp.  
Another knock, this time louder, came from outside.

"Ashton?" He froze. It was Luke. Of course it was Luke.

He had been waiting all week to talk to the boy, and he picked now? When Ashton looked like some sort of sick joke.

"Just a second." He said weakly. He felt dizzy, and he realised that he probably shouldn't have stood up so quickly after nearly hyperventilating his lungs out of his chest.  
He wobbled to the door and unlocked it. It immediately pushed open and Luke stormed in.

"I am very angry." He announced.

Ashton didn't say anything because he wasn't really surprised.

"Partly at you, but mostly at myself," Luke continued, turning to look at Ashton. "because I'm a gigantic douchebag."

This did surprise Ashton.

"Luke you're not a douchebag."

"Ash have you been crying?"

Ash. There it was again. He almost didn't catch the question. When the words did process in his brain, he blushed profusely and looked away.

"No." He muttered. It was a pathetic response, really.

Ashton felt dizzy. Luke was going to laugh at him. Why hadn't he washed his face before opening the door?

"Christ, I'm a terrible person." Luke groaned.

Ashton was going crazy, because he had no idea what the fuck was happening.

"Luke just _stop_." He yelled, face heated. He was on the verge of tears again, which he did not want, and did not need, at the moment.

Luke stared at him, quirking an eyebrow. "Okay. Why?"

"Because you're giving me mixed signals, and I though that you were mad at me because of what happened last week during the movie and you wouldn't talk to me at all and then you completely disappeared the other night without explanation, and then you shouted at me during practise because I'm a fuck-up. And I already know I'm a fuck up but now you're sorry for something I did and I'm really confused."

Ashton's rambling came to a close, and he was staring to panic again because Luke was staring at him oddly, and he was very sure the band would have one less member by the end of the day.  
Luke hesitated, before bringing both of his hands to cup Ashton's face, staring into his eyes. They were almost tranquillising.

"Calm down, Ashton. You're getting too worked up, just calm yourself-" he brought one hand down to squeeze Ashton's arm.  
"-and everything will be just fine.

Ashton had forgotten that Luke had been the one to coach him through many previous panic attacks.

"We can talk about it." Luke smiled softly, and Ashton knew that everything was going to be just fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind: that I wrote Ashton's panic attack the way I've experienced them before, so it's first hand and it might not make a lot of sense.  
> Please don't hate me for my bad writing.


	7. "All the way".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLOO LOVELIES!! I'm so glad that I'm back and able to post again! I have to say, I feel a bit guilty about leaving this for so long, but I really can not write when my mind is in a bad place, so I think it was for the best.  
> Anyway, enjoy the next chapter!:) x

The two were sitting on Ashton's bed quietly, not really knowing quite what to say. Luke broke the silence.

"I'm sorry I've been kind of ignoring you." He sighed.

Ashton swivelled around to face him. He had no doubt that his eyes were still puffy and tear-stained. He internally cursed himself for not being manly in front of Luke.

"Please don't apologise. It's my fault. I'm sorry I did the thing."

"The thing?" Luke repeated, giggling quietly.

Ashton was not going to be the first one to say "made you come."

"Yes the thing. Anyway I'm sorry. I should have just kept to myself." He looked away. Christ Almighty, this was awkward.

"But I didn't stop you." Luke muttered.

He was right. Luke didn't stop him. Luke begged him for more, Luke told him not to stop- Ashton sighed. That still didn't make it right.

"Luke, I understand, okay? It was late and we were tired and you're still only seventeen so I should have known better. Please I just want to be friends with you again. Nothing more."

Ashton searched Luke's eyes for any strange reaction, but there was none. Luke smiled and nodded.

"Sounds good."

Of course Ashton was disappointed that Luke hadn't jumped up and said

"No, I want to be more than just friends with you. Ash, my love, will you marry me?"

But you know. "Sounds good" was okay too.

"You know, there's only a couple of weeks left for vacation." Luke said with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "We should probably start doing all the out-of-control teenage band-member stuff now."

"What." Ashton smirked. "Do you want to buy pony t-shirts for the entire band and play Uno 'till one in the morning?"

" _Yes_!" Luke cried, making the two laugh. "But also I think we should have a party. Like a huge house party and we can invite everyone we know, and get lots of food, and we can set up the sound system and-"

"Woah, buddy," Ashton slowed him to a halt, "We're in a different continent to everyone we know. Who would we invite, the homeless guy that lives near the flat?"

"Alright, then we could just get drunk and play bored games."

"Lucas Hemmings." Ashton raised his eyebrows. "Since when do you actually consume alcohol?"

Luke grinned, patting Ashton's leg and hopping from the bed. "Since my mom's not here."

 

" _Snap_!" was the only noise heard echoing through the house at 2am that night, followed by the yells and complaints of everyone else.

"Thatss not fair ryou cheated." Michael looked slightly confused and very distressed as Luke gathered all of the cards from the deck and added them to his pile.

Michael had gone a bit overboard on the booze.

"I won fair and square, Michael Clifford, and you suck, to be honest." Luke retorted, earning a too-loud cackle from Calum.

"I demannd a rematch!"

"The game's not over yet, idiot." Ashton couldn't help but giggle as Michael looked like he was going to fall asleep any second now.

He felt Luke glance at him, but when he turned, the younger boy was already throwing his pile of cards into the air. The hearts and clubs showered down on the boys like dollar bills on a stripper, or confetti at a Glee concert.

"Why'd you do that, asshole? I think I was winning!" Calum whined. Calum was slightly tipsy. They all were. Except Michael. Michael was a fucking lightweight.

Luke chuckled. "No, I was. But I'm bored now."

"We could play Truth Or Dare?" Ashton suggested. He was by far the most sober in the room. He had only had half a can (he wasn't a fan of alcohol) whilst the other had had two or three or six, and he was going to use this opportunity to find out what he could about the others- and remember it.

"I'm game." Luke confirmed, taking a swig of his can and setting it down, it making a hollow tin sound, indicating that it was empty. Ashton felt like he had missed a chapter in the whole Luke-drinking book.  
And so the game began.

The four sat in a circle, kind of like little girls at a sleepover. They kind of were little girls at a sleep over, the more he thought about it.  
Ashley, Lucy, Mikaela and Callie. Ashton gave himself a mental pat on the back for being so clever.

"I'm going first!" Calum called, taking no chances. "Luke, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Okay.." there was an awkward pause as Calum began to regret not thinking his question through. Ashton could already feel the questions and dares bubbling in his mind.

"Have you ever skinny-dipped?" came Calum's question, and clearly they were not taking it easy for the first couple of rounds.

"No. I have not." Luke was not doing a good job at being serious because he corners of his lips were curling upward. He had always been a nervous laugher. Ashton thought it was abso-fucking-lutely adorable.

Luke swivelled around to face him. "Ash, truth or dare?"

1, 2, 3, the question loaded in his mind after some buffering. 

"Uh, truth?"

Michael gave a loud groan. "Comeonn you guys are no funn. Pick a dare er somethin."

"Michael Clifford it is my round and I picked truth." Ashton smirked and turned to Luke, who was giving him a small grin. Ashton dared to look him straight in the eyes. "Shoot."

And he could have sworn for a second that something twinkled in Luke's or he was hallucinating from that half-a-can he had had. (What could he say, he was wild!)

"How far have you gone with someone?"

Oh dear ohdearohdearohdear. Ashton knew exactly how far and who he had gone that far with. And he knew Luke knew too.

The bastard. Ashton wanted him.

"Emm, I don't know what to count it as.. but third base, I guess." He felt he answered very smoothly.

Luke opened his mouth to speak again, but Ashton cut him off before he managed to.

"Alright my turn okay, Mikey, truth or dare?"

"Finally!" Michael jumped up at the sound of him name. "Dare."

"I dare you..." Ashton pondered on what he could make Michael do. It was only early in the game, and he decided to go easy on him.

"..to go stand on the balcony and sing 'I'm a little teapot' as loud as you can."

"Pfft I could do that sober." Michael scoffed. "Ashton you suck at dares."

Ashton smirked. He had played his fair share of party games, and he thought it was fair to day that he didn't suck at dares.  
When Michael returned from the balcony- shivering, because it was quite cold- he slumped back to his position on the floor, leaning against the couch.

"Cal-" Michael cleared his throat when he realised that his voice was hoarse from singing at the top of his lungs, earning a few sniggers from the group- "Calum. Troof or dare?"

"Dare." Calum replied without hesitation, resting his chin in the palm of his hands, in a mock-endearing way.  
Michael raised his eyebrows. "The next time we go out, I dare you to wear a full face of makeup."

Ashton watched in awe as Calum's jaw dropped.

"I- I can't do that! People are gonna think I'm a cross-dresser!" He cried in exasperation.

Michael grinned. "Well, you could use your chicken, but so early in the game..?" he trailed off, and Ashton noticed that maybe the cold air had sobered him up a little.  
His friend was an evil genius. An evil asshole genius.

"B-but, where would I even get makeup?" Calum was still protesting.  
Luke finally leaned forward and rested his hand on his best-friend's shoulder.

"Hey, he said the next time we go out. It could be, like, a walk to the corner shop and back. People wouldn't even see you."

Which seemed to relax the fretting muscles in Calum's face.  
Luke was so nice, he thought. Luke was really kind and cute and generous and he was just nice. Ashton wanted to kiss his face. Or his dick but whatever.  
Calum sighed, taking another swig from the can and finishing it.

"Ashton, truth or dare?"

This time he was ready. "Truth."

Calum made a 'hmm' noise as he cracked open another beer. A mischievous grin blossomed on his face and his eyes began to twinkle.

"If you were in a gay porno, what role would you take?"

Everyone spluttered into their own drinks and Ashton felt the heat burning in his ears. It's not like he didn't already know the answer.  
 _'Play it cool dude_ ' his brain muttered to his body. ' _You don't even know what gay porn is._ '  
He gulped, ignoring the prying faces of his friend, eager to know the answer.

"What, do you mean, like.. position?" he hesitated. He felt like his face was going to turn crimson and burst, painting the walls with tomato-Ashton-juice.

Calum nodded, anticipating the reply.  
Oh how he hated everyone. He could always lie, but that wouldn't really be in the spirit of the game.

"I think I'd be, em.. a bottom?" he scratched the back of his neck. It wasn't itchy, but anything to avoid the exploding eyes of his bandmates and the strange laugh-squawk noise Michael made.

"You'd take it up the ass?" He cried, and Ashton cringed at the crudity.

"I guess. I mean if I was doing a gay porno anyway I might as well go full homo."

Luke made an awkward throat-clearing noise and started fiddling with his shoe laces.

Calum snorted. "Fair play, man." Ashton wasted no time.

"Luke, truth or dare?

"Truth."

Michael groaned again. "Come on this isn't gossip girl. Why is no one picking dares?"

"Because look how that turned out for me." Calum muttered.

Ashton ignored them both. If this turned out the way he wanted, he would be a very happy boy.

"Luke, who was the last person you kissed?"

Luke continued to stare down at the fingernails he was picking to shreds.

"When I went out the other night, I sort of met a girl, and we.. uh- we kind of hooked up?" His voice turned up the the end, as if he was asking a question.

Ashton was asking some questions too. For example: "What the flying fuck?"  
Calum shot Ashton an uneasy look which he ignored, and continued to stare at Luke in disbelief. Michael didn't notice any of this.

"Woah, nice one, dude. Was she hot?" Luke winced as he received a rough pat on the back. "How far did you go?"  
Luke's voice was so low at this point, that it was barely audible when Ashton heard him say

"All the way."

Ashton picked up his can and downed the rest of it.


	8. You can say it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo!! Do you ever just forget that you're in the middle of writing a chapter? (probably not because you're a decent human being.) Well I did! But don't fret because I will finish this fic, even if I have to sell my soul to get it done.  
> Also, I might finish writing a one-shot before I continue with the next chapter, so I'll see which one I finish first!  
> Anyway, enjoy!:) x

When Ashton woke up the next morning (alone), his head was pounding. He knew for a fact that he wasn't hungover, so maybe he was just dying.  
He sort of hoped he was dying, that way he wouldn't have to get up and face the world. He checked the time on the digital alarm beside his bed.

It read 1:40 pm in big glowing-green letters. He could only imagine what his bandmates were already up to.  
Michael was probably just eating breakfast; a bowl of coco-pops while playing video games in his pyjamas.  
Calum would be getting ready to face the world outside with makeup on, insisting that he was allowed keep his hood up because no one said he couldn't.

He wouldn't be surprised if Luke was out and about the town, getting mobbed by girls and collecting phone numbers. Then, later on, he would go to some bar or club, get hit on by some beautiful woman (who was much too old for him) and he'd go back to her place. Then Luke would arrive home the next morning, smelling of alcohol and ignoring Ashton.  
He felt absolutely sick to his stomach as what Luke had said played on a loop in his mind.

All the way.

All the fucking way.  
Luke had fucked some... some skank. Someone that wasn't him. The thought of Luke with someone else made it feel like someone was reaching into his chest and ripping his heart out through the gaps between his ribs.  
Sure, he could understand. He had made the boy come in his own fucking jeans by just grinding on him, so of course he had wanted to go out and prove that he was the ultimate straight guy.  
Ashton then realised that he had never really given his own sexuality a complete run-through.

He was always quite confident, with quite a few girlfriends, but he had never proper fancied another guy. Like "fuck me" fancy or "marry me" fancy.  
He guessed that maybe he was just Lukesexual. It was just him.  
He didn't really mind that. Except he did because the feeling wasn't mutual and Luke didn't love him like that.  
Ashton wanted the bed to sink through the floor and into another dimension where he could sleep forever.

When the glowing clock hit 2pm he groaned and rolled onto his face. He wanted to get up and do things. He wanted to function like a human and eat breakfast and maybe write a song about stupid love and talk to people, but he couldn't.  
He couldn't for his life bring himself to sit up.  
There was a soft knock on the door, and it clicked open. Michael stuck his head around the doorframe.

"Its two o'clock why aren't you up yet?"

"Mmh."

"Everyones wondering where you are."

"Mph don care."

"Is this about Luke?"

"..."

Ashton peeked an eye open to see Michael standing at the doorway in superman pyjamas. He padded across the room in bare feet and sat down on the end of his bed.

"Look. I know Calum is usually the one you talk to about all this shit, but I'm not an idiot. I know what's going on."  
Ashton rolled over to face him now, and managed to prop open both eyes.

"Nothings going on. I'm fine."

"Dude. I'm not gonna say it, but I think if you say it out loud it might help make things more real."  
"That's stupid."

"Fuck you man I'm trying to help." Michael scoffed. He push-rolled himself off of the bed and stood to leave.

"Wait!" He stopped in his tracks as Ashton called out to him in panic.

Ashton took a deep breath. Nerves bubbled inside of his stomach and tingled throughout his entire body.  
As soon as he said it out loud to another soul, it would be official. It would suddenly all be as real as a smack in the face. Was he ready for that commitment?

"I like Luke."

Michael raised his eyebrows. "Just like?"  
Ashton was sitting up now, every single feature on his face etched with worry.

"I like-like him. I fuckin' fancy the arse off him."

Michael smirked because Ashton was starting to talk like Louis, but quickly wiped the smile off his face because Ashton looked like he was going to cry.

"And how did this come about?"

Ashton sighed, burying his face in his knees.

"He asked me to kiss him just so he could be sure he wasn't gay. But we made out he's definitely straight now, and I'm certainly not, and now he's slept with someone and I'd do the same but he's the only person I wanna be with and I know he cares about me but in like a brotherly way and I can't believe I've been brother-zoned by the person I..like."

"You can say it."

"..the person I love."

Michael shut his eyes and nodded his head like some crazy preacher.

"I know I've been a bit of a douche about it. I didn't really notice anything was up until you got upset last night."

Ashton thought back to the night before.

_"All the way."  
_

_Ashton chugged back his beer and cracked open another straight after. He was really going to need it.  
_

_"Who was she?"  
_

_Luke whipped his head around to Ashton and stared at him, mouth gaping open.  
_

_"I don't really know, I just met her."  
_

_"Have you called her?"  
_

_Calum and Michael were silent, both exchanging uneasy glances.  
_

 

_"Well...no. It was really just a one night thing."  
_

_Ashton tipped his head back as he finished his can and set it down loudly. He couldn't help the bubble of laughter that left his throat.  
_

_"Thats great, man. You know thats really the best thing to do. Acting interested in someone and then completely forgetting_

_about them. I mean who cares if she's upset that you haven't called, Am I right? As long as you feel better about yourself!"  
_

_Luke looked queasy. Fucking good.  
_

_"I mean..well.. I don't think she was looking for a marriage. At least she understood that what happened was meaningless."  
_

_And that was the last. fucking. straw.  
_

_Ashton stood up as hard as he could, as hard as standing up goes, not caring that he kicked over a can in the process, spilling the remains on the hard-wood floor.  
_

_"Well I hope you made it out of your jeans this time!" He yelled as he stormed down the hall to his bedroom and slammed the door with all his might.  
_

_He flopped down on his bed face-first and stayed like that all night, not even budging to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face.  
_

Meaningless.  
To Luke, it was meaningless. He was meaningless.  
At least he was sort-of proud of the jeans reference. It made him smirk when he thought about it.

Michael hopped up from the bed, ignoring Ashton's unexplained smirk.

"I know he's being a fuckin dick to you but he really does care. I think you should talk to him."

"I will when I feel like getting up. Probably won't be today though."

"Fine but I'm getting pizza later and I'm not letting anyone bring it in to you, so get up or starve."

"Bitch."

"Bye babe."


	9. Ashley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I actually updated fast for once!:O Nearly finished now, though, so brace yourselves for fluff! x

Ashton wasn't planning to get up later that day, he really wasn't, but he was fucking hungry.  
So when he heard Calum call " _pizza!_ ", he managed to hoist himself out of bed and trudge to the kitchen.  
He stopped when he realised that he hadn't been up all day, and turned to visit the bathroom.  
Just as he thought, he not only smelled like death, he looked like it too.

His hair was unfixable, his skin was breaking out and he was sporting massive bags under his eyes.  
He did his best to make himself presentable by splashing his face with cold water, and spraying deodorant everywhere on himself.

In his second attempt of walking to the kitchen, he saw Calum and Michael on the couch playing fifa chewing absent mindedly on their dinner.  
Luke was nowhere to be seen.

He grabbed one slice, hesitating, then taking another, then another. His eyes connected with Michael's and he gave him a nod, before walking back to his room, three slices in hand.  
When he pushed open his bedroom door with the side of his hip, Luke was sitting on his bed, looking distraught.  
When he saw Ashton he stood up, and Ashton noticed that he had a bottle of beer in his hand.  
Hell no.

"Luke I don't like you when you drink so put that away or get the fuck out." He said without emotion.  
He was tired. He was so tired and he never asked for all this drama. He was tired of being broken and rejected repeatedly on a loop. He didn't want to be with Luke if it included all of these mind games.  
Luke hesitated, and set the bottle on the ground.

"I need it if I'm going to say what I'm about to." He muttered.  
Ashton set his pizza down on a bed-side table and crossed his arms waiting for an explanation.

"Her name was Ashley-"

"-Oh for fuck sake Luke I don't wanna hear this-"

"-Just hear me out okay?"

Ashton was silent again.

"Her name was Ashley. Ash for short. She was 20, and she had curly, sandy hair. And dimples. Just like yours."

Ashton raised his eyebrows, still very very confused.

If Luke's task was to make him feel like complete and utter shit, then he was succeeding.

"When it was.. um..happening, I think, first I meant her name...and then I meant yours."

Ashton was more than confused.

"Honestly dude I have no fucking clue what you mean."

"I was thinking of you okay?!"

Silence. And then:

"Wait..you mean.. while you were.."

"Yes. And then she kicked me out. And thats why I couldn't look at you the next day or talk to you, because I knew that I was in too deep and I had to stay away from you, but I didn't realise how grossly rude and ignorant I was being until you got upset and I wanted to kick myself in the crotch."

"Well yeah it fucking hurt."

"I know. I'm sorry."

More silence. Oh but they were so close to each other and Ashton didn't realise till their chests were nearly touching.

"But what happened- I mean that time we kissed- wasn't it just meaningless?" Ashton was cringing at his own words. This talk couldn't have been more awkward.

Luke licked his lips and oh. They were close.

"It was supposed to be. I wanted to see if I could ever be attracted to a guy but I didn't expect to be so attracted to you. And then I got scared because I knew it would probably doom our band- which it nearly did. And then what happened on the couch was perfect but I realised it was probably the worst thing I could've done because it wasn't helping my situation at all but I couldn't help it because you were so hot, Ash oh my god. And I tried to get over it by sleeping with someone else and even that didn't work. So I'm sorry if I've ever taken it out on you because you're perfect Ashton, you really are, and this is all my fault."

Ashton could accept the apology and leave, or he could reach up, lean to the left a bit and press lips to Luke's.  
He knew what he wanted but what did Luke want?  
And then he saw it.

The taller boy flicked his eyes from Ashton's, down to his lips, and back up quickly. He knew what that meant.  
Ashton stood on his tippy toes very slightly and nudged Luke's nose a bit with his. Luke's breath was shaky, but the good kind of shaky.  
The oh-my-god-butterflies shaky.  
Ashton's eyelids were weighed down, but only fully closed when Luke made the final move and closed the space between their lips.

  
There was no groping, this time. No moaning or hard-ons or anything sexual.  
Just the two boys indulging in each others presence and holding each other like they never wanted to let go.  
Ashton didn't even have to think about where to put his mouth or tongue or hands because his mind was clouded. Everything felt so natural and so.. right.  
Luke's hands were cupping his face and he wrapped his arms around the younger boys waist because he had forgotten every single thing about himself.  
When they finally broke apart, it was in slow motion.

  
Luke's hands were still cupping his face and they kind of just stared at each other for a long time in awe.  
Luke's face was flushed and pink and his lips were slightly swollen and his eyes were shining and yes. Ashton thought he could definitely be in love.

"We can make it work." Luke whispered, a soft smile playing on his lips.  
And suddenly Ashton forgot about everything bad he had ever been through.  
He forgot about the pain and torment because he knew that they just made it more worth-while when things got good.  
They could definitely make this work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we've put our boys through enough pain, don't you?;) Only one more chapter after this, I'll writing right away! x


	10. And we're starting at the end. [Epilogue]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is darlings: The last chapter. Yes Im sad, but this is the first fic I've ever finished, so I feel like a proud momma bear.  
> [SMUT WARNING THO]  
> Please leave comments and let me know what you think of the overall thing, and leave suggestions for future reference!!  
> I'd like to thank you guys for being so rad and nice and not saying my writing is shit, too!!  
> Sooooo here it is; enjoy!:) xx  
> -L

When Ashton woke up the next morning, he stretched and kicked someones leg.  
He froze, then craned his neck to see what was happening and who was in his bed. When he realised that it was Luke who was nestled in his blankets, he beamed to himself and rested his head back onto his pillow.

He and Luke had not had sex, just cuddled and fallen asleep.  
They didn't want to just yet. They were taking things slow.  
Ashton hoped that blowies and handjobs didn't count as sex, though.  
Someone beside him stretched and kicked his leg.

"Ow bastard."

"Your bed is bigger than mine." A sleepy Luke mumbled, rubbing his nose.

Ashton didn't really think he could captivate the beauty of Luke in the morning. He wanted to be the only person to ever witness him all sleepy and cosy, nestling his face into Ashton's shoulder to get warmer.

"Yes it is." Ashton smiled softly.

Luke was turning him into a fucking softy. He didn't really mind though.

"Ashton I'm really sorry I was mean to you." Luke said, still not opening his eyes, voice muffled by half a pillow.

"Thats okay."

"I'm not good at pretending not to like someone. I wrote songs and stuff for you."

"You did?"

"Yeah. I might sing them for you some day."

"I'd like that, babe."

"Ashton?"

"Mhm?"

"Does this mean you're my boyfriend?"

"Do you want it to mean that?"

"I think so."

"Okay, then."

Ashton thought that the aggressive butterflies infesting his stomach would never leave as long as he was with Luke.  
He also thought that maybe Luke had dozed off again because he was silent for a while after that, until:

"Ashton?"

"Mhm?"

"Can I give you a blowjob?"

He rolled over to face Luke and his eyes were so blue and so pretty.

"You sure?"

"Positive. Need to get some practise if I'm gonna be a good boyfriend."

"Okay then." He smiled as Luke straddled him and gave his a long morning-kiss before proceeding to kiss his way down under the blankets.

Ashton was hard, of course he was hard.

He really hoped this wasn't a wet dream and Luke's hands really were beginning to pull his pyjama bottoms down.  
He felt a large hand rubbing him outside of his boxers and yep- this wasn't a dream.  
When Luke started to remove them, Ashton clenched his fists.

"Stop taking so long or I'll come before you even get started." He muttered.  
There was a chuckle from below the blanket and Luke's head appeared from under it.

"I'm the one in control of your dick right now so I do what I want." He smiled, and pecked a kiss on Ashton's bellybutton, before disappearing again.  
Ashton was about to retort with something extremely witty that he hadn't thought of yet, when suddenly a kiss was placed on

his inner thigh and his mind went blank.  
He winced, but not in pain, when Luke wrapped his hand around his cock, and gripped the headboard of the bed tight when he felt a pair of warm lips brush against the top.

"Jesus-" Ashton interrupted himself with a loud moan when Luke enveloped most of his dick all at once without warning.  
Ashton tried not to come straight away because the thought of Luke willingly giving him head was hot enough that he thought he might.  
He clamped his teeth down over his bottom lip to prevent any (too) loud noises from escaping and when he pried his eyes open he saw the outline of Luke's head bobbing up and down under the covers.  
Luke continued to suck him off, occasionally stopping to try different methods, figuring out what he had to do to make Ashton whine.

Pretty much all of it was working.  
At one point, Luke slowed his pace down, pulling his mouth all the way to the top of his shaft and dwindling there for a while, causing Ashton to buck his hips in attempt to speed him up again.  
Luke responded in chuckling over Ashton's dick, sending a vibration all through his body, and holding his hips down with both hands.

"Luke..Luke please I need to- you need to go faster.." Ashton was quite ashamed of how high that actually came out.

Luke pulled off with a pop and appeared from under the covers.

"What was that?" The smug bastard said.

Ashton thought maybe he was going to pass out.

"I need... faster-please."

Luke smirked, and a couple of seconds later he was working Ashton in a way that had him clinging to the bed post, this time really really struggling to keep the screams in.

"Luke oh my- shit oh my _god_ -"

There were actual tears in his eyes because he wanted to come so badly but he didn't want this to end.

And then came came a knock.

"Shit Luke stop. Stop stop stop shit shit shit." He rambled as Luke appeared again, looking surprised and very alarmed.

"Who is it?" He stage whispered.

And as if on queue:

"Ashton?"

"It's fucking Calum." Ashton whisper-shouted back. "Quick get back under and stay still."

Another knock.

Ashton really didn't think Calum wanted to see Luke and Ashton post-blowjob mode just yet, so he was really doing him a favour.

"Yep! What is it?" He finally answered, clearing his throat when he realised his voice was shaky.

Calum entered, looking slightly worried.

"You seen Luke?"

"No why?" Ashton answered almost too quickly.

"I haven't seen him since last night." Calum scratched his bed-head. "Anyway how are things with you two? You still haven't told me what happened between you's and now Michael's acting all knowy."

Ashton winced again as Luke ran his little finger up and down his inner thigh.

"Everything's fine, Cal. I'll tell you later, but I'm trying to catch up on sleep right now so.." He trailed off, hoping Calum would catch his drift and leave.

He stared at Ashton suspiciously for several seconds before nodding and turning to leave.

"Anyway, if you hear anything from him, call me."

And the door closed with a click.

"Okay asshole don't be a tease." He grinned as Luke appeared to give him a kiss on the lips, then on the neck, the tummy, the hipbones, and eventually around his cock.

It was all fast moving from there. A lot of gripping a bobbing and moaning and (surprisingly) quite a bit of scratching.  
But Ashton didn't come until Luke didn't hold him down hard enough and he accidentally thrusted into the back of Luke's throat, causing him to gag, throat muscles flexing around him.

"Shit Luke _fuck holy_ -"  
Ashton clamped hand over his mouth and bit into it, back arching, and then eventually flopping back down because he was so fucking exhausted, considering all he did was lie there and scream his new-boyfriend's name.  
And Luke, the adorable piece of shit he was, attempted to swallow, accidentally letting some cum run down his chin.  
Luke appeared on top of him a few seconds later wiping his chin with the back of his arm, eyes slightly watering.

"That tasted fucking terrible. I got used to marmite but I might never actually get used to that."

Ashton laughed and pressed a kiss to his lips, scrunching up his face afterwards.

"Eugh you're right that does taste nasty. You want me to get you off?"

Luke smiled sheepishly. "Actually I was already up this morning. You were asleep so I took care of shit myself."

"Suit yourself." Ashton wanted to bury his face into Luke's chest forever.

He was so beautiful like this, eyes shining and lips swollen. He looked sleepy and adorable and

"Luke. I love you, I think."

Ashton wondered if he might have said it too weirdly or too soon but he knew it was true now and there was really no point in lying about it.  
He wanted Luke to help him with his panic attacks for the rest of his life.  
He wanted to paint bedrooms and buy a dog with Luke.

"Really?"

"Yes.

"You sure?"

"The most."

"I love you too, then."

Ashton beamed. "Cool."

Luke let out a burst of laughter and rolled back onto his side of the bed. "I tell you I love you and all you say is 'cool'?"

"I said it first so you can't take the credit, asshole."

"Alright then, I'll take that handjob now please."

Ashton's heart still did the fluttery thing every time Luke spoke a word.  
Every time he heard Luke sing, it made him want to rip his chest open and pull his heart out.  
And every time Luke told him he loved him, Ashton saw stars in his eyes and heard drumming in his ears.

Basically, fuck Luke Hemmings.


End file.
